Thursday, November 11, 2010
My Q&A question refuses to leave my mind.
Somehow it etched itself onto my brain, I'm unable to forget it.
I keep worrying that I have not answered it correctly, or failed to answer it wholesomely.
But OP is already over I told myself. What's the use of worrying?
"But...But... ", my mind stutters, I don't know, I just don't know...
"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live" -Mitch Albom
this phrase strikes a chord within me. (i have reread a book just recently)
Life is filled with worries.
But what if life is ending, where do the worries go?
Would we worry even more if we are dying; to worry about loved ones, about their futures and such.
Or do we let go of everything?
I've always wondered what goes on in the mind of a dying human. What do they feel?
I once saw my paternal grandma on the hospital bed, a few weeks before she succumbed to cancer. She looked frail, weak, skinny, wrinkled. Tubes were inserted into her wrists. That time, I was sensible enough to know what cancer does. But I knew i was shocked when I saw her in that plight.
However, ahma did not cry, she never got sad. That day, she just held onto my hands and told me that she loves me. Her grip was soft, gentle even. Her eyes just gazed at me. I wondered if she was worried about her condition and such...
that night, i prayed to the goddess of mercy for ahma to be better once more. I was worried about her. even though i'm an atheist, i just prayed.
I visited her several more times after that, each time I just hoped she was better, or my presence will make her happier.
on that final visit, she told me: " ahma's time is near"
i was sad, but i did not cry, it took effort.
I wondered if she was worried about us, her family.
but she, was as though, had left everything behind when she said that.
no worries, no nothing. how? What if? If this? no nothing.
maybe she knew that we would survive without her in our lives somehow, maybe she knew we will eventually bury that sadness and carry on.
definition of worry:
Worrying is a lasting preoccupation with past or future bad events. It is a type of thinking that makes you feel as if you were reliving a past event or living out a future one, and you cannot stop those thoughts from occurring. Such thoughts are often characterized by the phrases "If only..." and "What if..."
do dying people eventually rid themselves of all worries in life? Maybe they think that there is no point in doing so. Maybe they have become enlightened.
I still remember my ahma, in my heart.
I still don't feel how the dying feels. Even if you put it in words.
I ask my mind.
But.. but... my mind stutters,
I don't know, I just don't know...
Maybe it will someday.
signing off.
Call Of The Wild at 9:42 PM